id be glad to
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
