Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I AM VODKA MAN
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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