does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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