Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize