I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
