Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i wish my penis had a tongue
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
My apartment stinks of burning failure
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
