Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
