hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
