Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
