Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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