I haven't been this sober since birth.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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