I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
