It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize