I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
