You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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