I am midnight drunk by noon
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
