i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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