my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
