I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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