i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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