Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
