just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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