Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
