I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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