Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
