Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
