Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize