i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
