he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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