he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
