I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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