i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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