Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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