I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
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