Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
don't judge my taste in strippers
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
