That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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