I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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