tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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