I'm eating all of the evidence.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I yelled at your uterus for you.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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