he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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