Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize