Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
