i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize