i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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