its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
tell me about the eggs
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
