I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
