we're blogging at a bar
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
