my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
