I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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