I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
