so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
