We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
