went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
