OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
