She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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