we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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