His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
