remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
